Fan Fiction

How Jack ‘Got His Wings’
by Soap

That night shone like the sun. Who would have thought the darkness could be so bright? Every thing is so different as a Demon. There are so many sensations that the English language just cannot adiquatly describe. But then, there always were. The Demon sat atop a roof and reflected on events recently passed.

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It was Christmas eve. Sandra was crying. It hurt Jack to see Sandra cry. Partly because it was normally his fault that she was. Even before Jack turned Sandra into a black and white striped, purple haired, tri-eyed Demon with four horns, pointy fingers and an ability to set people on fire just by thinking about it, Sandra's crying was normally his fault. This time it wasn't Jacks fault. Sandra had recieved a lot of telephonephone calls lately. Aparrently Her friends missed her. She had to tell each and every one of them that she couldn't see them for some reason or anouther. The last call she recieved was from her mother. Sandra couldn't bring herself to refuse her mother. She would to arive in the early morning.

Jack's sister was out doing some last minute shopping. Jack and Sandra were pratically alone in the big old house. The only other residents were a magic book and a tennant who mostly stuck to his T.V. Normally Jack's sister would comfort Sandra, but she wasn't there. Jack felt he had to do somthing, anything, to make Sandra better. He had to "fix" her. It was his responsability.

Crystal was shopping. She was buying Jack a lovely little magical death sword at exactly the same moment in time that Jack decided upon what he was going to do about Sandra. Jack crept up to Sandra's room with a giant jug of coffee and a bundle of magically created daisys in tow. He put the gifts down and sat next to Sandra on the big double bed. His hand reached over and placed its self on Sandras back. He flinched as plam pressed ageanst cloth, but the flames of an angry Demon never came. Insted, to Jacks great surprise, she reached over and embraced him in a hug. Jack's ribs cracked and his sholder was burned by the acidic demon tears, but he hugged back. He was glad to feel her body press agenst his and she was glad for his to press agenst.

Sandra downed the coffee in one go, gave Jack a peck on the cheak and wispered "thank you" into his ear. Jack was shocked and barely coherent as he stumbled out of the room. He collapsed by the door and magically healed his ribs, then the hole in his shirt.

An hour later Sandra came out of her room. She began to serch for an object she believed would help make things OK again. A hacksaw.

In the mall a dark shadow loomed around the corner. Crystal had chose and bought the sword she desired. She was then trying to decide how to wrap somthing that was effectivally mostly intangable. The dark figure watched on.

Jacks ribs were still giving him some pain, even after he had healed them. He had since gone downstiars to the kitchen to find some asprin. He kept a lot of pain killers around latly.

There was only one member of this household who might know where to find a hacksaw, or any other type of man-ish item for that matter. This person was a giant Rabbit. This giant Rabbit went by the name of Sam Sprinkles. Sam Sprinkles was presently watching television. Sandra rushed into the room and started serching thru piles of miscelanious junk. As Sandra was about to walk past Sam, he nonshalot-ly passed her a hacksaw. Confusing as it may seem, Sam tended to do that kind of thing quite oftern. The whole time not a word had passed between them. Still no words were uttered as Sandra exited and went back up to her room where she looked for boots, a beanie, a long sleeved tee shirt and a very long skirt. First she cut holes thru the bottom of the boots with her finger. It was just the right size to fit her hooves. She tryed them on. They fitted well, if a little uncomfortable. She then looked at her face in the mirror and picked up the hacksaw.

Jack heard the scream from downstairs. Even thru the thick floor it sounded like a buzzsaw next to his ear. He rushed up the staires and burst into Sandra's room. A red whip of blood splashed across his face. It took him a moment to notice that he too was screaming. The acid was eating his flesh faster then he could heal it. It was in his eyes now. He could feel the eye ball pop, leaking juices down his face. More blood was splashing on him now, but he thought quick and shealded himself with his magic plaid shirt. He collapsed into darkness.

Sam was at the door to Sandra's room now. His forhead pressed down into his palm in an expression of disbelief. He could see what had happened perfectly. When the blade of the hacksaw touched Sandra's horn, it immediatly snapped, and sliced across her face and eye, also cutting her hands. Sandra was lashing her head around and holding her eye. Driplets of blood were splashing ageanst the walls. There wasn't really much of it, but it did travel a long distance. It was mearly a few drops that had hit Jack on the forehead. Sam reached down and picked up Jack by the scruff of his collar and draged him into the bathroom across the hall. Sam turned on the bath tap full bore. He then dumped Jack face first in he ice cold water. With the acid diluted, Jack had a chance to heal.

Too bad he still wasn't awake. Sam pulled Jacks head out of the water.

Sandra had slumped to the floor. The bleeding had subsided, but the crying was evident. "I'm useless" Sandra said as Sam entred. "I can't even cut off my horns and put on some crappy disguise." Sam just nodded. Most of the blood had stopped fizzing by then. He knelt down and tryed to give Sanrda a pat on the back, but felt himself warm up as his hand grew near. He pulled away and left.

Jack had woken up by this point and was busy thinking hard about growing some new eyes.When he had healed, his eyes seemed red and blurry.

A knock rang out at the door. Jack rushed to answer it. He looked out the peep-hole to see a grining Professor Broadsholders, Demon hunter, at his frount step.
"Oh shit!" Said the Magition.
"Damn straight!" said Broadsholders "Now let me the fuck in!"

Sam didn't like the way the day was progressing, so he went back to bed. Bed being the term he loosly used for the sofa where he watched T.V. Tomie, the magic book, was wrigling about, making some rusteling noises and genrally trying to warn Sam of somthing, so Sam did the only logical thing to do to make the plot more interesting.. He slid Tomie into a drawer and closed it firmly, then he turned on the television and lay down.

Jack swore for a good three minutes, then opened the door. Instead of a seven foot brickhouse of a man clad in old leather, there was a Gnome standing there. Jack blinked, then closed the door and looked thru the hole again. That was definatly Broadsholders. He opened the door. It was a gnome. He closed the door again.
"Quit mucking around!" came Broadsholders voice.

Sandra's middle eye was in dire need of healing. She thrust her hand out a window and grabbed a pigeon that was sitting on the ledge. Blood leaked out between her fingers as the bird was crushed. It let out a muffeled meep and its flesh withered as Sandra stole it's body to repear herself. She droped the bird to the ground and shook some blood of her fingers. She watched it, for a moment, gasp for breath and try to move with no muscles and broken everything. She brang her hoof down upon it with such force that she put a hole in the floor and a giant crack above the kitchen.

Jack's mind was over loaded with stimulation even before he heard the 'BA-DOOM' that the roof above his head made, so he mostly ignored it. The Gnome kicked down the door, knocking Jack on his back, then the gnome cleared his throat and wiped some blood of the palm of one hand with the back of the other.
"Lo," Said he as he read of the letters carved into his hand. "Professor broadsholders has kidnapped your sister/friend name of 'Crystal' and requests that the Demon 'Sandra' gives herself up in a traditional 'sacrificeing yourself to save the one you love' swap. To prove he isn't blufing, I have been requested to give you these tokens, one 'gift-that-she-was-buying-for-you', and one 'severd hand'." At this point the gnome reached behind his back and retrieved a sword twice his size wrapped in red and green paper, with a card glued to it and a hand pale and clutching the hilt. He tossed it onto Jacks chest.
"He is holding her at a sanctuary protected against great evil, so there is no point in trying to fight, known as the 'Gap'. Thankyou and goodbye." The gnome turned around and marched off, gradually turning back into an image of Broadsholders as it moved into the distance. It didn't change in shape, but by the time it had reached the footpath, Jack couldn't imagine how he had ever seen it as to look like anything other then the professor.

An ad for cartoons came on the television, and Sam had a moment of realization. He realised he wasn't in a cartoon anymore, and being incompitent wasn't a good idea, so he grumbled and got the book out of the draw and stood up. He walked the few steps it took to get around to the frount door, threw Tomie down next to Jack, and picked up the sword. Jack didn't move. Sam read the card attached to the gift. "To my bestest brother, Jack. With lots of love CrystARG WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!" For a moment he wondered if he had ever really left the cartoon world. He unwrapped the sword, and yanked at the hand, eventually prising it free. The sword glowed nice and shiny like. He pulled Jack to his feet and said "We going to go save her or what?"

Sandra, who was presently oblivious to the events taking place around her due the the severe amount of angst, was rather surprised to find two testosterone filled males bursting into her room trying to, symaltaniously, tell her that she was needed to help save Crystal, and how obviously it was a trap. The shock eventually subsided, and Sandra rectified the comunication problem by setting fire to Jack. While he took a soak in the bath, Sam described how events had transpired. Sandra sat as if listening to a story. Her eyes were glazed over. Sam, who knew everything that was going on inately, didn't even look surprised to note that there was an encredably squished pigeon in a hole about two thirds of the way into the room. He was, however, surprised to find that neither Jack, Sandra nor Tomie had worked out what the 'Gap' was. He thought it was obvious, and once the troops were rallied, he told everyone.

Their plan was a simple one. It was devised by Sandra. Rush in, and kill everyone. Except Crystal, of corse. Sandra was having an Especially bad day and wanted nothing more then to paint the walls two coates thick with Broadsholders' blood. This worried Sam, but didn't seem to phaze jack whatsoever, who was itching to make with the rescue attempt.

Broadsholders was also getting bored waiting. He sat in a chair carved from a single skull in a darkened room lit only by candles made from the fat of Demons.Crystal was bound and gagged and Broadsholders was using her as a foot rest. In his left hand he held a long gourd made from anouther skull, wich contained a red liquid that looked sinisterly like blood, only thicker. In his right, there was a dagger. Anouther skull, altho hard to tell. It had a triangulr handle made from the back of the strange skull, and featured two blades made from two elongelated teeth. It was a very important dagger. Broadsholders was compleatly naked. All around him Gnomes were sitting or standing. Some guarding the entry, others just trying to look busy. Crystal was indeed missing a hand, and the arm was tied off with a silver chord.

The blood in the skull was Crystal's. It was a bit of a radical step for Broadsholders, but he was sick of losing. This Sandra demon was trying his patence, and that embarrising incident in the sandwich store! That was three in a row, and Broadsholders was getting desprateand old and maby losing his touch. Teaming up with Gnomes in exchange for not killing them all was a brave move, but a move he felt he needed to make.
"But blast! when will those Abominations get here!"

The four heros made their way toward the mall. Both Sandra and Sam were wearing cloakes, and the sword was tucked neatly under Sam's. Being magic, It needed no scabbard. Their heads bowed, their armes crossed, they walked two paces behind the Magition. His plaid shirt seemed to take up more room then any one shirt should be reasonably allowed. The three walked swiftly. Tomie was clutched to Jack's chest, and even the book looked pissed. When they arrived at the mall, they all stopped for a moment. Where the hell was 'The Gap' None of them shopped there, but eventually they found it on a map by one of the big doors.
"Well that kind of ruened the dramatic march into battle." Said the giant talking Rabbit. "Shut up!" Said the magic talking book, but only Jack heard him. The store looked normal from the outside, if pure evil can be concidered normal. Jack fianlly clicked.
"Of corse!" Said he "Hide a magical aria of protection in the last place anyone would expect it! A den of pure evil!" But the book piped up, in a voice that only the Magition could hear.
"I don't sence any protective influences here, I think it was a bluff. The only thing I sence is bad clothing." Jack relayed the message to the group. The four entred the store. Suddenly! Nothing changed. A store cleark approached the Group and told then that they were expected in the forth changing room on the left. The four entred the stall. Suddenly! Blackness.

A Gnome jumped at Sandra's Face, but She sliced it in half easly with her tail. Blood splattered down her frount and the body dropped to the floor.
"Hold it!" cried a booming voice. When the groupes eyes had fully adjusted, what they saw shocked them. Broadsholders was standing, still compleatly naked, with his dagger in one oversized hand, and an equally nude Crystal in the other. He was holding her up by her hair in a way that she couldn't support herself at all. Half on the floor, half off. She was gagged and blindfolded, and all her limbs were bound with silver chord. The dagger was pressed to her throat. the point of each tooth pressed to each of her arteries. Before anyone could react, Broadsholders grinned, and pushed the knife deep into Crystal. The head came off easly, and blood sprayed from her neak. The boys were shocked and didn't move, but Sandra let out a cry like none heard before, and rushed toward the villan. Thousends of Gnomes met her charge, and the demon became soaked in blood. Both hers, and the Gnomes. Some Gnomes were unarmed, some had knives and spears. Some had machine guns and some were in Mechs.

The scene changes to a clam fluffy cloud. On this cloud there were a set of giant golden gates, and a line of people led off into the distance. Crystal arrived at the end of this line. A confused and disoriented, she watched as other people materialized all around her with bright lights. All different colors. In the distance she could see a man in a black suit coming toward her along the roling waves of wispy white. The suit was double brested, and his pants and shoes were immaculate. Crystal could see him clearly even thru a distance of what must be miles. Before she knew quite what was happening, the man was adressing himself to her.
"Good day Crystal, my name is Mobius and I'm rather excited to meet you. You have been waiting for quite a while now, so I think it might be best to head to the frount desk." And suddenly they were there, altho the transition came as no shock, as if in a dream. At the desk anouther man in a similar suit to Mobius' was greeting the people and one by one they would simply dissapear, as if they never where there. Crystal never got a chance to see what happened to any of them. But we are not concerned with this. A third man arrived. The two meet, and the first man left to nowhere.
"Good day Crystal, my name is Andarius and I'm here to explain a few things to you." The man started. "Firstly, welcome to The Gates of Heaven!"

Crystal may have said somthing, but we cannot be sure. However the conversation between them released a few facts. Firstly she indeed was at The Gates of Heaven and these men were Angels. The gates don't look like anything in particular, they just happened to be that way for Crystal at that moment. The reason Crystal had been given special treatment was because someone known as 'The Son of Dawn' wanted to see her. She was also very very dead.

The fight had been going for some time back on earth. It was now well into the night, altho none could tell inside that room. The group wasn't fareing too well.

Sam slashed thru foes, his sword moving like a blur. Whenever a bullet headed in his direction the sword would move to meet it; none ever reached their target. Occationally the sword would fly thru a friend or a wall, never leaving a scratch on either, but when it struck an enemy it was like watching a cartoon death. The gnome would slowly slide appart.

Jack was in the worst position. He had set up a wall of plaid, and was cowering behind it in the feotal position, watching the other two fight. Tomie was clutched to his chest, giving him reassuring words. Occationally a tear would roll down Jack's cheak. He could see Crystals lifeless body a few feet away, but he deared not look it's way. Occationally a Gnome would get past the other two to have it's head kicked in.

Sandra was very angry. Around her were piles upon piles of dead bodies. Gnomes had to climb over ther fallen brothers to reach their own death at Sandras claws or teeth or tail. Frequently she would be healed by Jack's magic, and frequently she would get hurt again. She was litterally covered from horn to hoof in blood.

Of Professor Broadsholders? He was sitting on his throne. Back against a wall. He watched his troops thin with dismay. There were now less the a hundred, and soon there would be none. Suddenly there was a Demon barreling toward him full tilt, wings beating at the air. He moved quickly, and the Demon smashed thru the wall. She fell halfway to the floor before she realised that she was falling from the roof of the mall. She fell all the way to the floor before she realised she should be trying to fly. A very unfortunate securaty guard arrived at The Gates of Heaven.

Crystal was no longer in heaven. She was being escourted to Satan's very castle. There were Demons of all types and sizes around. All of them looked very unplesent, but Crystal couldn't see this as she had been given the option of a blindfold, for the marest sight of a Demon in Hell is among the worst of tortures. Once inside the castle the angels greated Satan politely, and dissapeared abruptly. Inside the castle was a great hall made all of dark red stone. In the centre was a giant banquet table made of the darkest wood, and on the table was an array of the greatest food in all existance. Satan himself appeared as a man with long curly blonde hair dressed in a white robe. His feet were bare. He greated Crystal by droping to his knees and kissing the back of her hands.
"Please sit and eat." Said the prince of lies. "I assure you it's all quite safe, and I think you'll find it to taste better then anything you have ever had before." Crystal sat and ate. Satan only watched.

Sam rushed toward Broadsholders. The professor tryed to duck, but the magic sword was by far too fast for him. The blade smacked agenst his flesh much to the Rabbit's surprise, and he was sent out the hole to fall to the ground. He fell for a good three seconds before hitting the ground with a wet sound. He landed three feet away from the unconcious Sandra. He survived the fall with little damage. He still had the dagger.

Crystal ate. The food was indeed the best she had ever had. While she ate she listend; Satan talked. He explained to her the complicatedness of the matter at hand. Satan had, so far, created all the Demons, or created the Demon's ancestors. There were the fallen Angels, but they wern't really Demons. Naturally he became interested when a Demon was created without his hand, especially one with such potential! Sandra had a Soul. Somthing that Satan had never beed able to achieve, as he himself had no Soul. However, and it is a big however, Sandra was, at that point, about five seconds away from getting killed, and her Demon body would force her Human soul into Hell. Sandra had a good Soul, and deserved no place in hell. It didn't belong. Satan, being the all 'round nice chap that he was, had studied the situation, and had came up with a solution that would benifit all. It promised to save Sandra's Soul without destroying the amazing specimin of a Demon. Satan had planned to administer the solution himself, but a trip to earth is always a bad experience. Crystal, however, could be sent back to earth with the solution, and the power to administer it with reletive ease. It is not known quite what happened next, but it is known that Satan was given the food as a gift from God. It was called Ambrosia.
"Have fun with the Slayer!" Called Satan as he waved to the burning new Goddess acending toward earth.

Jack watched from a hole in the sky as the Professor picked up Sandra by the hair at the back of her head. Her head lulled back, and her empty eyes looked straight into Jack's. Professor Broadsholders grunted with the weight of the Demon and raised the dagger. Jack jumped. He flew face first straight down. His shirt lenthgened and rippled, slowing his decent, but only slightly. This shirt seemed to take up the whole world. That was, at least, untill the burming yellow Goddess entered with a flash of brillent light. Sparkling somthings driped from her body, and time seemed to hold still, as if everyone had taken a breath, and just refused to let go. Jacks figure hung in mid air. His mind was working at a drunken pace. He couldn't move, but he could see Crystal pull a ball of golden light from nowhere. She held it above her head, and everything became yellow. He felt the world change. He felt himself change. But the more it did, the more it felt like it had always been that way, altho he knew this not to be the case. He felt as if he was opening up. Time stoped for just a moment, in the literal sence, but it felt to all envolved like an eternity. Jack could feel his body, but he couldn't move it. He could feel every inch. He felt as if he was stretching. He felt like he was testing himself out. He felt like at any moment he could make it do what he wanted. He knew how to move it, but he just didn't.

When he landed on the ground, it was with hooves instead of feet. He droped to one knee, and had a fist pressed to the ground. Condensation roze off his rapidly cooling body. His hair was of the darkest black. It hung vaguely in his face and ran down the back of his head in a single strip, spliting in two and curling at the back. His strpies were slightly different to Sandra's, but thats not were the differences ended. For one thing he was much bigger.

Crystal was rather tired, and decided to float over to the hole in the sky to pass out next to Sam. Sam droped his sword and caught the Goddess. He was slightly confused, and decided to follow suit on the passing out idea. He passed out on top of Tomie.

Broadsholders looked at the human in his hand. Had he been tricked? Was it still a Demon? He couldn't take the risk, but still he knew it was not. He felt like it had never been the Demon. He let go of the girl, then turned around to face Jack. For the first time in a while, his neak tilted back.

Jack could feel the raw power. Both physical and magical. Fully stretched, he was BIG. He looked down at Broadsholders with three purple eyes. Jack stomped his hoof and snorted in superioriny. When sandra had killed the pigeon, she was killing out of mercy. She put a massive crack in the floor. Jack was bigger. Jack was angryer. Jack was stomping to kill. This said, the floor was made out of concrete. Broken concrete.

Broadsholders was lieing on the broken concrete.
"Time to crack some skulls!" said Jack, in full hero mode. Jack rose his hoof to crush the professor, and brought it down faster then the speed of sound. But Broadsholders wasn't benieth it. The hoof once more struck solid concrete, and it split. Jack let out a howel of pain. He reached his hand down to where the professor had rolled to. A dagger was inserted into it, and Broadsholders rolled again. Jack pulled the dagger out. His arm turned black and withered. He threw the dagger into the ground where it broke then reached down one final time and picked up the professor. His hand squeased around Broadsholders' throat.

Broadsholders' face became blank, but not because of Jack's slow squeazing. The skin across Broadsholders' chest turned white. Slowly at first, then all of a sudden, he burst. Jack's hand was torn apart. The shredding force didn't stop there. Jack didn't know what happened at first, but he found himself staring at his arm. It had been split straight down the middle.Highly acidic Demon blood was spilt on the floor in a large puddle. It hissed as it reacted with some marble in the concrete. It ran downhill to where Sandra, now human, lay. But Jack didn't notice. Jack had his eyes closed. He was thinking about healing. The air swurled around him. He floated slightly off the ground. His hoof and arm melded back together, and he grew a new arm on one side entirely. Simultaineusly, everyone elses arms grew slightly weaker. He opened his eyes, let out his breth and hit the ground with a slight thunk. What he saw then no one could have expected.

In frount of him was a slowly uncurling slimy ball. It looked like a snake with a bunch of spider legs. Around it's neak were lizard like spines. It's face was that of Broadsholders. He opened his mouth to show rows upon rows of long pointed teeth. On his hideous tounge was anouther head. The cranium of this was drawn out and sat on top of the tongue. The second head had one eye and no teeth, but inside there was a third skull. This skull was small, but had three teeth, two above and one hooked tooth on a protrudung jaw. This third skull was eyeless, and rushing toward Jack at an alarming rate. He jumped widershins, and swung at the skull with his tail.. The blade clanged against the skull and left a naught but a red mark. The skull whipped around once more and headed directly for Jack. He thought quick, and jumped, where he took flight. He was calm for a moment, and tryed to gather his thoughts, untill Broadsholders' tail rose off the ground and smacked Jack over the head, pushed him to the floor, latched onto him with the legs and crushed him. The legs riped at Jack's flesh, but the damage was non lethal. The skull heading toward him, however, didn't promice to be so gentle. At this point Jack couldn't help but to think how Broadsholders looked like a hideous caterpiller. His tail was curved over his body, and pressed Jack to the ground in just the perfect spot for the skull to reach him.

The hideous teeth were almost upon Jack when he suddenly dissapeared. The skull clanged against concrete, cracking a few teeth.
"Demonsh Cannnt do dat!" exclaimed Broadsholders.
"But wizards can." Said Jack from where he had teleported to, the hole in the sky.
"What the hell is that thing?" Jack asked Tomie, as soon as he had found the book under the pile of Rabbit.
"That is Broadsholders!" Said Tomie "He must have performed the ritual to become a Demonslayer-Demon. I was wondering why he was naked."
"...OK... How do I kill him?"
"You can't cut him or hurt him with acid or fire. If you can get under that frill around his neak you might be able to strangle him. Thats if you can get under it. You can Bludgeon him, but it would have to be pretty big. I think your best hope is magic. Broadsholders will be protected from mental attacks, so I suggest maby somthing cold?"
"Right. Cold steel." Said jack as he picked up the sword.

Broadsholders was climbing the walls, trying to reach Jack. Jack took flight. He hovered in mid air, holding the sword in frount of him. Broadsholders lept of the wall with his mouth wide open. Jack threw the sword and it was sucked down Broadsholders' mouth. Jack wasn't fast enough to escape the mouth, but thankfully the sword gave Broadsholders enough of a surprise that he closed his mouth. Broadsholders barreld into Jack, and once again crushed him to the floor. Jack thought hard about making the sword frigid. He pictured a thick layer of blue icecrystals forming around it. Brodsholders wretched in pain. He then spasimed and shook, all with Jack beneth him. But Jack didn't break his concentration. Even as Jack was torn against the concrete leaking dark blood, Broadsholders let out a great gush of air. Suddenly he stopped spasiming, and rolled on his side, off of Jack. Broadsholders curled into a ball. Suddenly Jack felt sorry for him. He looked like a poor helpless animal that had been tortured so much it had given up on ever not feeling the pain, but then Jack remembered the hideous skulls and how Broadsholders had murdered Crystal infront of his very eyes, and redoubled his concentration on his spell. Suddenly Broadsholders' bodly lifted off the ground and hovered in the air for a second. Jack saw crystal sitting in the air, cross-legged, above the beast. Broadsholders caught fire. Crystal's head was sagged into her chest. She looked very tired. Jack could hear Broadsholders' high pitched screames as he was reduced to nothing but ashes and dust.

There was Demon blood on Sandra. Jack watched with shock and disbelief as he witnessed absolutly nothing at all happen. Demon blood was supposed to eat flesh like a fat Italian! Jack concluded that Sandra must still have some special traits left over from being Demon, and picked her up. He also picked up Tomie, Sam and even Crystal from were she fell. Crystal was the only not magical-book to be concidered even slightly awake. She was Just coherent to hold on to Jack's back as he flew all of them home. When Sandra woke up she had a mild panic attack, and took a trip to the airport, were she felt encredably uncomfortable, to meet her mother. The entire day had pretty much been one big party for Sandra, but for the others it was just a chance to sleep.

*** *** ***

Jack passed Sam anouther beer and continued to watch the night sky. They could hear the laughter and generic happyness sounds of Crystal, Sandra and Mother below them quite well from their perch on the roof.
"Things look wierd as a Demon" Said Jack.
"No! You're joking!" said Sam sarcastically.
Suddenly Sandra's head popped up from the hatch in the roof.
"I brought you guys some food" Said she, and handed Sam a pile of turkey and Jack a giant jug of coffee. "I just wanted to say thank you, Jack" Said Sandra, and she gave him a kiss. Tongue and everything. All she gave Sam was a wink, then she decended once more down the trap door. Neither Jack nor Sam said anything for a while, but their cans were pressed together in acknoledgement and Jack lent back a little more then he had before. The sounds of merryment and jovelity resumed beneath them.
"Word." Said Tomie.


Epilogue: "Clean the table, peon." said Satan to a generic lost soul. "And dont eat any of it, or this hell will seem like a walk in the park."
The soul gathered up the mounds of food into a sack and began carrying it to the furnace. Just outside the dining room, the soul was intercepted by a small limbless Demon.
"Eat some, go on, while Satan can't see." Said the Demon.
"But he said..."
"Did you get here by listening to what people tell you to do? Go on, just a little, before he catches you. It's really good. Best ever, as a matter of fact. Literally."
The soul took a mouthfull.
"My god! It is the best ever!"
Thunder cracked.
"You dear deny my orders!" Said Satan as he cut the soul into a thousand pieces and sent each one to a different aria of hell so that the soul could expreience all the worst that hell had to offer. Satan paused for a moment. He thought for a bit, then he looked upwards, shook his fist at the roof and said...
"I bet you think that's funny, don't you!?"
"ABSOLUTLY HELIRIOUS." Came the reply.